Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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