just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
