How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
