you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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