I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just google imaged poop.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
