at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
