I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
