Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
