I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
