Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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