I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
