Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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