worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
