I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
