in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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