apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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