nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.