I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.