just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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