They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
