i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
