He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Is it penis luge time yet?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
