If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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