I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
