so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
