I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Someone signed my nipple.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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