I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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