Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
