please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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