well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
