Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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