Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Semen is not good for contacts.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
