I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
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Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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