I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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