i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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