Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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