My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize