if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
