Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
