I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
