I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
