No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she woke up with a sticky ear
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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