I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
