I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
