He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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