I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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