I wish my penis had an off switch
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
