i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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