Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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