12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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