Have you finally orgasmed yet?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
