Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just blew my weed a kiss
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
