He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
