I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
