If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just tell him i said nine months
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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