They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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