were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
