oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
